In my last post, I wrote about waiting. I have been trying to figure out what work to pursue now that I have recovered from my depression. The LORD stuck a song in my head about waiting, a song that persisted, a song that wouldn’t go away. I was frustrated with waiting and didn’t see an end in sight. But things have changed. There is a light ahead.
The peace that was eluding me has come at last. I am in the process of applying for a job that would allow me to work in a teaching role part-time, with kids and staff that I already have a relationship with. It looks like it could be a good fit. I vacillate between doubts that I am capable and complete confidence that pursuing this option is what God would have for me right now. It may work out. It may not. I will be okay, no matter what happens.
I am walking on a shadowy road. I do not know where it ends. But there is a light ahead, a light that is guiding me step by step. It’s beautiful, this place of peace.
When I gave up my teaching position at the end of January because of severe depression, I gave up a defining part of myself. I loved teaching and had imagined that I would have a lifelong career in the public schools. My bipolar did not allow me to fulfill that dream. I wasn’t sure if or when I would teach again. I had to let go of my identity as a teacher, including my tendencies to become consumed by my work.
Since that time, it’s been a long and slow process of healing. Nutrition, movement, meditation and making time for the things that refresh my spirit have all played a role in bringing me into wellness. I had my annual physical this morning. I have lost the 10 extra pounds I gained over 2014. These days, most days, my mind rests in peace and my body flows with energy. Anxiety and fatigue remain a part of my life, but they are no longer the deciding factors. I am well, and am becoming well.
If teaching comes to me again, my prayer is that I will more gracefully hold it with an open hand. Waiting this day is not a burden to me. I am quieted and hopeful. I wait in expectation for green pastures and still waters. He restores my soul.